Human Nature

Documenting another trait of human nature..completely inspired..observed in me..

Few months back,I was in a state where I wanted nothing...Forget about career..I was ready to do any compromise in my personal life...Obviously that was frustration but the span was long enough to think and re consider the decision..or throw out my frustration and think positively..but I just closed my mind..my decision and attitude remained same..sometimes i felt that I have become saint who does not want anything in life..people around me became immaterial and non-existant..I visualised myself as the unluckiest human being on earth and felt myself un-compareable to anyone around in terms of professional capability or life style..I came out of my house only for office...rest I had locked myself in the four walls..may be Iwas even scared of light..what if someone sees me and says..what a failure she is...even sometimes I thought of finishing my life..but as human nature is..we never kill ourselves in our dream also :)

But then the life changed in a blink of eye..and things happened so fast that I can not believe even now.Suddenly different nail paints started attracting me once again...i started thinking about looking good again...all the cosmetics I bought in Canada seem to be very less in quantity and variety now...Now I eat with choice and for fun..not only for sake of filling the stomach..And all of a sudden..I started feeling confident and demanding for my self and my capabilities..I want everything more now....unlike the saint I used to be..I am a completely selfish and greedy person now..I want better job.,.better salary..more satisfaction from work..want to study and imporove my self..want to explore the world..different places..want to learn business..different fields and talents..want to drive..play..dance..and above all..I want to live..once again..

I know,I can not get that time back which I lost earlier..so I am trying to live more in the time left..May be I am trying to run very fast now to combat the earlier delay..

But this extra fast run does make me tired sometimes..My mind accepted the change but my body still needs to accept this change..that will take a little more time...My mind has to slow down a little ..and give my body some time to reach up to that level..

But if u ask me..there is only one thing I wish for from deep of my heart..
Oh lord..please dont slow me down again as u did earlier..
I know you will not give me anything I cant handle..but I wish you don't trust me much..
I survived the earlier blow somehow but please not the other one..
I do not want to survive ...Now I want to live a life which I cherish when I am at my death bed..
Lord Christ..please let your kid smile now.. :)

Fate..who rules..

We all wud hv received this message in mails..or wud h heard from people..
When God says "No" to our wishes..wht all it may imply.
1."No",I wont give u. ->It is not good for u
2."No",I wont give it to you now ->Wait for sometime
3."No",I have something better for you.


This all looks good and even feel positve,if you dont want to argue against god.But I want to..and I wanted for long..n wished..when I will go there..I will ask reply for all questions of mine.

Why is there pain in this world..why some suffer for even a meal and some waste food at leisure?
Is it their good deeds in last birth that pays them off...but then why we say..jo bhi hai isi janam main hai.
The above is associated with birth of a child in a specific family..So,I still agree to the belief of last birth.But what about dreams getting crushed or being compromised.who is responsible for that..and this question is still unanswered for me...and none of the above solutions of GOD satisfies me...

If god has already planned for something for me..why show me the other dreams and then let me go through the pain of loosing something i wanted and worked for..and not enjoying the one tht u hv given me.,..how much better it wud be..

Second...i still accept...late than never..

but first...why did god had to hurt me,...

Me and GOD..

whenever I feel that I have little control over few parts of my life..or over few decisions..or may b when I start feeling happy about atleast few things of my life..God does soemthing n tells me...No dear..I am still the supreme..you dont have any control..you have to do what I want you to do!!! and as he demands..I loose all my control n surrender to his wishes and waits for his next game with me..
Read a book recently.."JUST IN CASE"..this story is about a teenage kid who is scared of his destiny or fate who keeps playing games with him..n he gets so crazy about it that he wants to hide from his fate n tries to disguise his identity..his looks..but finally he also decides to face it..thts the end..
I visited the church today..my last visit to church here..one hymn said..you dont have anything to give to lord..surrender urself to him..
I am not arguing,fighting or disgracing anything or debating against anything..just trying to accept this fact myself..which I feel is told to me indirectly by GOD in many ways..(well I do belive in intuitions and coincidences and many have happened to me recently even..getting a newspaper of Sai baba ji where one article says "surrender yourself to me..you dont have any other option"..in my recent visit to BRARs in toronto..just when I was about to leave that place...,the last and only hymn i attended in st.Michael yesterday night said the same..and today..my last visit to any church..the last hymn I ever sang..(I suppose so..)said.."give urself to God"..may be thts the way god is telling me to proceed ahead in mid of all these worries and confusions of my life..
I always believed in destiny..in God's supremacy in all respects with full honour..but may be inspired by the comments of people for my earlier blogs and other thoughts surrounding in air around me or being as a normal human being ( wont take any blame on my attitude;-))..I also refused to accept the changes gracefully..atleast in my mind and heart..( well..I am a good stage actress..so people still cant read my feelings at my face)..But he teaches you..and he taught me...

I always talk to GOD as my frnd..I always felt that he listens to me and answers my questions ..directly or indirectly..I also fight with him badly..even with bad words also sometimes..and I am so angry with him for last one month that I am not talking to him at all now..not even looking at him..and I refused going to church also..I WAS REALLY ANGRY...OK..I went to say only GOOD BYE to him..n he talked to me again..

So..I am still angry with him..but have surrendered to him now..hold my hand and take me wherever you want..I am getting ready for your next game!!

Last Visit to st.matthew's United church - Dec 14,2008

Last hymn I sang:

What can I give him,poor as I am
If I were a shepherd,I would bring a lamb
If I were a wise man,I would do my part
ye what I can give him-give my heart.

Happy Birthday Lord Jesus

Christ is born;give him glory!
Give him glory;Christ is born!

There is a special time and place for everything under this heaven.

We know this eternal truth,..whatever has to happen..will happen..you cant escape death..you cant escape accident..these are the negative examples..for those who believe that they can control their life events..and for positive side..your success..ur achievements..your life events ..from birth ..to graduation ..to marriage..n ahead..Then why do we get so impatient..we cant prepone or postpone the things..they will happen as per their time schedule..but the problem is that we don’t know when..and the astrologers are earning while predicting the same for us.

Astrology is a well accepted science across the world now..and what is the base of this science..place and time of birth..and who decides that..destiny…so again..destiny takes the control.Though I do not believe in astronomical predictions given by newspapers and all..but I still belive in astronomy ..There is a control somewhere..


Have patience..and wait for event to happen..dont b panic.. it wont help..time will not start running fast..THINGS WILL HAPPEN..ONLY WHEN THAY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE..

St.Matthew's church

Hymn from Bible - I KNOW MY REDEEMER LIVETH

I Know that my Redeemer liveth,

And on the earth again shall stand.

I know eternal life He giveth,

That grace and power in His hand.

I know ,I know that Jesus liveth,

And on the earth again shall stand.

I know,I know that life He giveth,

That grace and power are in His hand.

I know His promise never faileth,

The word He speaks,it can not die;

Tho'crual death my flesh assaileth,

Yet I shall see Him by and by.

I know my mansion He prepareth,

That where He is there I may be;

O wondrous thought,for me He careth,

And He at last will come for me.

AMEEN..

When you....

When you loose,let God take it over on your behalf further,why do u fight,
When you had a horrible day,dont sleep with it,complain to God that very night.
When all ur loved ones stand against you,stay quite that time but do cry alone,
When things go out of your control,let them flow,dont stand there to get torn off.
When you feel everything is upside down,just stop thinking and become a stone,
When you miss someone terribly,cry aloud and let tears flow down.
When you want to smile,remember the one who made u laugh aloud with no reason at all,
When you dont see hope,remember the good times that made you forget the world.
When you cant decide what way to go, just give ur hand to God,
We are his children,has heard that he loves them a lot.
But it is him only who makes you cry..nobody else has that authority..
why doesnt he feel the pain ..or I feel that he does some partiality..
When I will go back and Incase I meet him..
I will ask the reply for each and every thing..